Friday, September 12, 2008

UNDERSTANDING
A night...tonight. Where I wander off on my solo mission as usual. And make discoveries so profound, I wish I shared them with you more often. Sometimes headphones are my bestfriend...but outside of them, I have three people that really rally my thoughts and emotions. Three. Out of a million people that I've laughed with, giggled, drank, drunk, tickled, played, fooled, messed, witnessed, accused, forgiven. Just three.

I live in the muckiest and most interesting of places. And I see so many things. And I backstep retreat just so I can fully encompass what is happening, even when I am not photographing. There is so much that is unseen, even though I am ShAdowSceNe. There are some things I file away for people; to protect and hide...in little shadows.

I miss stuff. I miss people. I miss the days of writing. I miss the days of disappearing in a non electro flashing-light singing my heart out and breaking my fingers on an E-string. That's why lately I choose to divide my time a bit differently. There are a couple people who bitch at me for this but damn. If I can't make myself happy, then I can't make you happy.

I live in a day to day world where I hear an abundance of words. I freestyle. I sing. I dance. I echo what I hear and feel within. No, I don't need anyone to make me feel these things, although they do. But I quite easily see them when I look around. I feel them when I wander around. I hear them when I try not to listen. I'm over-observational. I'm too caring. I'm self doubting but at the same time wreckless. I'm too smart for my own good. I think too much. I just spilled a bit of my guts on a bright white screen. Can you feel blue energies writhing in your eyes?

I used to write a lot. And then someone told me I wasn't doing anything for a good cause...and that art wouldn't change anything. Someone's an idiot. However, I shelved nearly five books of text that now sit in a dusty closet. I live to live. I live for all the amazing people that send me messages saying I inspired them...to move to Germany...to learn a new artform...to not care what people think...to be real.

Are you still reading this? Oh, okay. Hai.

I meet amazing people. I meet people that you may have tossed your change to. I tossed them a day of my life by spending an afternoon to really learning what it's like to be someone else. I've had drinks with a homeless man because he protected me from the "unsafe zones". I then was thrown out of a bar for trying to buy him a drink. I've slept in a cemetery. I've slept on a train. I've not slept for three days straight. I'll change my contacts in the dark. I'll cuddle with a stone. I'll recite songs in my head because they'll hit harder than your words. I'll echo your tone with a shotgun lyric and you'll still be prone...to read this...and think about how you could change a wrong. How can you make something right? Why are you so upset? Why so many questions and a wandering mind. Just stop. Have you tried to make yourself smile? It's awkward...and refreshing. Push your skin up and vibrate to something that's not familiar.

Share something today. Make yourself uncomfortable. I promise you'll laugh about it later.

It's a bright day, even when it rains. Find something and lose it. I told a best-friend tonight...that when when things are stolen, they come back twice as amazing.

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